During a recent trip to the Boston Museum of Fine Arts I realized that there was a strange feeling in the air. Like something was emanating from the walls, a certain kind of Revolutionary…smug.
Strange, I thought, that in such a place I would be surrounded by smug assholes with nothing better to do than glare at me as I creeped through the halls. Well I’m not taking that shit lying down – nay, I will present them to you in all their smug glory so that we may sneer back at them. Shame is the best policy, I say. That and passive-aggressiveness!
Where to start? How about with this asshole sitting around in his furs, his hip frameless glasses and wind-swept hair. He’s the guy at the party that would talk at you for an hour about how he loves Dave Mathews Band, all the while not realizing he has a giant booger hanging from his nose that you just. can’t. stop. starting. at. You can’t see from this picture, but he is definitely wearing loafers without socks.
Or this fucking guy – the guy who sticks his finger through his zipper hole pretending that his dick is hanging out of his pants (or in my case, talking to the guy who actually did stick his dick out his zipper all evening). Let me tell you something, asshole exhibitionists, unless you finger is the size of a sausage, or your sausage is the size of a sausage, don’t bother showing us – all we are thinking when you are being so fucking clever is “How sad. For his sake, I wish it was bigger”.
Or the guy who whips out his guitar and starts playing Lady Gaga acoustic songs (super bonus points for doing Bad Romance because us ladiez love that shit) only to be pissed off when people try to sing along to his sappy lovelorn rendition. Life is hard when you are a sad bastard, I know.
Then this guy. Wearing powder blue and cream, he definitely likes the smell of his own farts. Just sayin.
This guy is definitely the one who thinks that the blinkless stare is the way to a woman’s heart. He is also probably pinching his nipples as he thinks of the curvature of your feet. He’ll try to get you in bed by talking about how he’s an artist and he wants to paint you. If you fall for this, he will be super creepy in bed, probably saying things like “i bet you like that”, “tell how big I am”, and “you remind me of my mother” – and your ‘portrait’ will be a 3ft tall abstracted vagina in done in acrylics.
Then there is the guy who looks like he couldn’t be bothered, though he obviously spent an hour and numerous products on his hair tonight. Look at this fucking hipster. He’s the guy that needs a girl as meek and frail as he is, not so he can control her, but so he can borrow her jeggings.
Finally, we have this guy. He is standoffish, a little older, probably balding and absolutely irresistible. He is basically ignoring you all night, which makes you want to figure him out even more, and that beard is so unsexy that it’s sexy. You find yourself desperately trying to get his attention but all he gives you is a look and a turn. Why is he so brooding? Maybe he’s totally deep! I NEED HIM TO LOVE ME! Let me tell you – this guy is always bad news. Sure the sex is probably all dark and passionate and awesome, but when you lit’rally want to punch the dude in the face every time you suggest stepping outside in the light and he instead decides to read Turgenev in a dark corner of his studio apartment, you realize it just isn’t worth it.
Trust me, I know.