I may jaded and dead on the inside, but going out to the movies these days, even the stupid-expensive, brand-new, nice-area theatres, really is the worst, isn’t it?
By that I mean people are just fucking awful.
This was supposed to be a review of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, but instead I’m just going to share some observations about the modern movie going experience. First though: the movie was great. I’m not even saying that as a joke – it was actually really great. The story was layered, the characters were intriguing, the effects were astounding, and Andy Serkis proves yet again to be one of the most talented actors alive today. All around it was a (surprisingly) great summer movie that I would have really loved to focus all my attention on if it weren’t for the hoards of fucking animals in the movie theatre.
First, I had to move my seat because at the last minute, just before the lights went down and I thought I was safe from the scourge of ‘other people’ a group came in and sat directly behind me. Their shitty kid kicking the back of my seat, sucking popcorn kernels stuck in it’s teeth. That distinct whistle-wrapped-in-spit sound that makes you consider screaming all sorts of expletives and threats in the most inappropriately appropriate way to a child.
Really, it’s not the kids fault they are an asshole, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have found satisfaction in slapping the kernel out of it’s teeth and continuing on with my day. Alas, a girl can dream but I didn’t, this day, scare the living piss out of a little kid. I just moved my seat.
From there I realized that spit-whistle wasn’t the only monster in the room. There was the dude in front of us who ‘helpfully’ narrated the movie and got up no less than 4 times to get another large popcorn refill. He sent his lady friend for the 5th refill because I guess he didn’t want to miss anything important going on in the movie he paid at minimum $30 to watch.
Then there were the children running up and down the aisles because assholes bring their toddlers to the movies and let them play on dark stairs.
Then there was the woman next to us who got up 3 times for beer, and when she came back to her seat she asked loudly, no kidding, “who’s Caesah?”
We were about 80minutes into the movie.
Caesar, in case you were unaware, is the main character. The ape that the entire movie revolves around…for the second time because this is a sequel.
Then there was the ‘nose’ incident.
There is honestly not an adequate way for me to describe this sound. All I can say is that you wouldn’t think it was possible to make it while blowing a nose. Some sort of…dry squeal mixed with snot blockage, but so, so loud. It happened at least…30 times throughout the movie I would wager. The repeated snotsplosion was confirmed by a woman yelling ‘I’M BLLOOWWING MY NOOOOOSE!’ when asked to, you know, keep it down.
Bonus: about 40% of the movie is silent by virtue of the apes speaking in sign language, a skill our audience couldn’t muster the decency to utilize. As the snotpocalypse affected us all, my takeaway was that even the apes know to keep their goddamned mouths shut.
The icing on the cake was the woman who fell on her face while walking up the steps to the exit. I’m not sure how it happened so slowly, but it did. Over the course of 7-10seconds she dropped to her knees, arms at her side, and then fully hinged at the knees and face-planted into the stairs. It would have been funnier if it wasn’t so confusing.
Then she lay there. Velcro active-sandals lifelessly hanging off the step, face on the low-pile movie theatre carpet. Her friends stared. We all stared. Eventually she got to her feet and exited.
I tried my luck going to a mid-range theatre and came out understanding three hard truths: pricing out the assholes & their shitty kids by going to the SuperLux theatre across town is my only option, that shutting the fuck up is a virtue that is lost most tragically in a movie theatre setting, and, generally speaking…