So one day, an artist named Konstantin Altunin decided he would paint Russian President Vladimir Putin in his natural form: ripped, masculine, and in a pink teddy. Putin, dripping in vodka and manliness, is twisting the luxurious locks of Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, also wearing his finest neglige. The bursting cleavage and raw animalistic sensuality scream nothing if not ‘strength and power of Mother Russia’, but the police missed the memo.
Though maybe they saw the memo but didn’t read it, said ‘that handwriting is gay’ and burned the paper it was written on instead. Then they shut down the exhibition and confiscated the artworks.
“We received information from a citizen that the images in the museum broke the law. Police confiscated four paintings and currently experts are examining them,” said police spokesman Vyacheslav Stepchenko.
Experts. Examining them for…what exactly? And why so scandalized? This from a man whose clothes can’t stand the heat of his testosterone inferno:
Of course, by breaking the law, they mean potentially featuring pro-homo propaganda. Pro-homo is pretty fun to say. Try it! Unfortunately Russia is all no-homo now (tell that to the totally gay dolphins rubbing up on Putin), and thus, the show was shut down and, naturally, the police went to hunt down the creator of the works for the charge of ‘extremism’. Extremism is also the charge that put Pussy Riot in prison, so we know it’s actually a thing that happens and it’s actually very serious.
In a totally disingenuous move, the gallery owner noted “We are accused of extremism. Police recommended us not to make a noise about this incident ahead of the G20, but it is scandalous, art has nothing to do with politics,”.
In the meantime, Russian lawmaker Vitaly Milonov, who had his likeness painted in front of a glorious rainbow flag, expressed his disdain, claiming the collection was “tasteless, at the same level as a yob from a vocational college who scribbles in a toilet at a bus stop.”
In the meantime, Altunin is all ‘holy shit’ and is asking for asylum in France, bastion of free thought and thoughtful political expression and artistic discourse. And to him we say fight the good fight and stay safe!
Onward, world stage, to the G20 and Winter Olympics! We’re so excited! We’re so….scared….